Podcast Episode #8
[00:00:00] Hi, this is Crystal from Crystal Obregon Coaching. And this week I would like to talk about really a relationship topic, whether it's a relationship with a significant other, or it could be your kids, it really could be anybody or, your friends. Business your business, friends or colleagues, they could really be anywhere when, but in this case, I'm really going to talk about my experience with this topic in my relationship with my husband.
[00:00:34] So this is, this is a little bit of an admission of guilt. But when I married my husband my daughter was already like at our actual wedding, she was 10 months old. We decided to get married after my daughter was born and so really I had this idea in my head and that I had to do [00:01:00] everything that That my husband, or even when he wasn't yet my husband, that he wasn't going to be willing to help me.
[00:01:08] And really it, in a way it led to a lot of passive aggressiveness. And we've actually been joking about that a lot in our household lately, which made me think of this. But probably not right away, but I think. When my daughter was probably around five or six, she was in school and then my son would have been a year or two older.
[00:01:35] He I decided, okay, it's time for. Couples counseling or couples therapy. And part of the reason for that is because I had friends that were doing the same thing and that's how they were approaching issues in their marriages. And I thought we had issues in our marriages, in our marriage was only one.
[00:01:58] And I had [00:02:00] recommendations. And so the first woman that we went to see together, she had just from the get-go she had a lot of recommendations. Four things that I could do and such as because a lot of it was around and help with the kids. And my perceived feeling that my husband wasn't doing enough.
[00:02:25] And honestly, I'm not sure how much of it that I was really communicating to him in, a straightforward way. But so her suggestions were to get a Amman mother's helper or a babysitter, or just things that I could do to feel more supported. What I thought. Couples counseling should be about is that I got to go and, air any issues that I was having with my husband.
[00:02:52] So this was this huge belief that I had. And so we didn't go back to see that one. I felt like she wasn't going to be [00:03:00] effective, that she didn't understand. And that it was a waste of our time. So we went on to the second recommendation. And my husband did not like this person at all. She, I don't remember the specifics because of course it was over 10 years ago, but she really.
[00:03:21] Was a little bit more in my line of thinking that he needed to change things. And so I liked that, but he didn't, so we didn't go together, but I decided to go to her, myself and I can't remember how long I went to her, whether it was just a year or whether it was longer, but at some point I realized that.
[00:03:45] That a lot of the things that, I was going, I was complaining about my husband, like doing that kind of stuff. And I realized that her responses to me were very much putting me into a victim [00:04:00] role. I told you this, listen to me, true confessions. And at some point. I realized that I wanted to empower myself, that I wanted to know what I could do to change the situation.
[00:04:14] And and somewhere along the same time, I think I have this yoga teacher I've mentioned him. He's really more than a yoga teacher and part of it is that I've seen. In the 10 plus years that I've been going to him, I've seen I think when I started his two older kids were already out of the house.
[00:04:33] And so it's just the youngest one. But his wife comes to class and so he brings a lot of himself. And so I saw the way he was as a husband and a father. And so at some point I stayed after class and talked to him about what was going on and know that my husband, at some point also started going to classes.
[00:04:56] He usually in a different one than me, [00:05:00] especially when the kids were little, but he was harsh with me. And he really nipped it in the bud, that whole victim mentality and all of that. And and really oh, you need to, this is what you need to do. And and I actually, even though I'll be honest, I did not like it at the right at the time.
[00:05:21] But gradually as it sunk in, he like I realized, oh, he's actually right. And And so somewhere from there things started shifting and and we did my husband and I, we did see somebody else that was a little more middle ground and and also very practical and actually helped my husband because honestly he had been taking care of a lot of care of him.
[00:05:53] Aging mother which impacted the help that I got. And so he helped, she helped [00:06:00] him get help with her and which freed him up a bit. So anyway I'm trying not to ramble that much. And let me look at my notes so that I can do that. So gradually I started doing something different and that was really.
[00:06:16] Making changes in myself was the first thing that I did. Like the first one recommended being responsible for the help that I got, whether I needed help with the house or help with the kids whether it was babysitters so that either I could have time or my husband and I could have time together.
[00:06:36] Cause that's obviously. In retrospect. And the other big thing is if you're going to be in a relationship with somebody, even when you have kids, you need to have time with them. And then the second thing, and this has really been, especially in the past couple of years definitely in the past year and a half, as we've been in this [00:07:00] pandemic is really shifting the way I think about my husband, big time.
[00:07:05] I don't know whether it's experiences that friends have had, that as everybody's gotten older and there've been divorces and all of these things, but I started to really think, oh, like I've got a good one. You know what I mean? So I really just started shifting that in a big way.
[00:07:25] And that's just my internal thought. And so not only did I think about it. How how he was really a good husband, but I also, in my 10 dreams, I write, I talk about being an extraordinary wife. So that's, what can I bring to meet his needs and his. And then also really looking more towards the future since since I have, as I mentioned before, I have one going off to college and when entering high school and honestly it's not [00:08:00] the kids' job to, take care of us.
[00:08:02] It's their time to fly and really start thinking, okay. Time, can we spend together now? What can we start to look forward to when they go, which is what serves two purposes, our relationship, and having an easier time when the kids go and it's made a huge. Difference too. Even if you're just internally, if your thoughts about somebody are super positive and appreciative and and if you're grateful for them, then, just even those thoughts actually shift that energy.
[00:08:42] And so I've really just experienced Deepening of our relationship, which is a great thing to have. As the kids are both getting super independent. And so obviously there is a place for [00:09:00] couples therapy. Definitely. Just like coaching. It can be great to have an outside perspective. But seeing it as a place to complain about your significant other or about somebody else is really not Productive.
[00:09:17] If you aren't going to look forward to what changes you can both make especially yourself. So now I really, taking that into other relationships in my life and part of it has to do with this course that I did with one of my mentors Christie Rogers, and I'm hoping to have her on for an interview.
[00:09:39] At some point. But she has this business friends course and. Super applicable to everything. And especially the last year and a half, when we've spent more time with our families and a little less time with people outside of that. But this whole idea is that [00:10:00] people aren't necessarily trying to take advantage of you.
[00:10:03] Sometimes you have to put up boundaries. That's fine too. But, and you know that you have to do everything, those kinds of things. I've really let go of that. And and I'm really having more of a belief that people generally, most people are, they're doing the best that they can, and they're trying to do their best.
[00:10:25] And And if I believe that about people then that's actually generally what I will get in return. So that's the huge overarching message. Today is that is that really believing in the good of people? While being careful in having your boundaries and taking care of yourself you will generally get better results from those people whether they're closer family and significant others or friends or just somebody that, You see when you're driving that it seems like they're being a little rude.
[00:10:59] Do you [00:11:00] actually, when they're driving, you really don't know what is happening with them in that moment. And if you can give people a little bit more space and a little more breadth it's actually more happiness for you. Okay. So that's it. Please please comment or. Shoot me an email at [email protected]
[00:11:22] I would love to hear what you think about this topic and have a great rest of your day. And I will see you in here next week. Bye for now!