Podcast Episode Final #24
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Extraordinary Life Podcast from the creator of the Extraordinary Life Tribe, Crystal Obregon, the self-development podcast propelling you forward toward your goals. Using science backed high performance habits. Reach the next level in your physical and mental health, see new heights in your relationships.
[00:00:18] Gain clarity on your purpose and live your extraordinary. Welcome your host writers, speaker and coach Crystal Obregon. Hi there. This is Crystal of Crystal Obregon Coaching with episode number 26 of the Extraordinary Life Podcast. So I had planned on talking about caring this week as it pertains to living an extraordinary life, but it will have to wait another week because connection wants to be called on first.
[00:00:53] Connection has already been on my mind. It is one of the 10 human drives that Brendon Burchard talks [00:01:00] about in his book. The charge in preparation for the holidays. Last month, I did a mini group coaching session on it in my polka dot networking group, because it really is an important time of year to be intentional about the way we connect, because we're doing more.
[00:01:19] Our focus in that session was on positive projection. And the idea is that people are more kind hardworking and well-intentioned than we give them credit for studies have confirmed that if you project those positive traits on. They will rise to the occasion. It doesn't matter if it's your spouse, your kids, your family members, your coworkers, your students.
[00:01:47] If you're a teacher, they'll all basically rise to your expectations of them in answering prompts in our group, designed to brainstorm on ways to improve connection. Our group [00:02:00] of women. We're especially trying to be intentional about how they connected with their significant others or those that they are closest to.
[00:02:09] So we did brainstorm a lot of ways to improve connection. And one of them was several women, mentioned the book, the five love languages by Gary Chapman. And the idea of really giving to someone else in the way that they liked to be given to. So some people like acts of service, some people like gifts, there are different.
[00:02:34] I'll put that in the chat too. I actually did a blog post on it a few years ago. I'll dig it up and give you the link for that. If you want more information. Last night. I was reading before bed and I'm finishing up the book dare to lead by Brenae brown. One part really resonated with me and I was reading the section [00:03:00] on living into your values.
[00:03:02] One of the values Bernie talks about is the. The assumption of positive intent. She states that the foundational skill of assuming the best in people is setting and maintaining boundaries and the fundamental belief underpinning the assumption of positive intent is that people are doing the best that they can.
[00:03:28] And I hope that hearing it stated that way is as shattering for you as it is for me. Because I hadn't ever linked boundary setting with positive intent and it turns out that, and I'll quote her here. The people who are the most generous in their assumptions of others. I have the clearest boundaries. It turns out that we assume the worst about people's intentions when they're not [00:04:00] respectful of our boundaries.
[00:04:02] It is easy to believe that they're trying to disappoint us on purpose. However, we can be very compassionate toward people who acknowledge and respect what's okay. And what's not. Wow. What I love about this is that using this information puts us in the driver's seat. It's actually up to us to communicate what's okay.
[00:04:30] And what's not, and what I'm working on in my own life right now. Is taking complete responsibility for my results. So this could be my business results, my relationship results, or my health results, just to name a few. So this really fits right in and I know. From experience that during the height of the pandemic, I was working really hard on assuming the [00:05:00] best in my husband and in my two kids.
[00:05:02] It really remarkably improved my relationships with all of them for the better, but honestly, I can own that lately. I have not been quite as intentional about it. And it shows, and I think it just felt easier to focus on it when there wasn't as much to distract us. So we were more in the bubble of our family and we weren't really going anywhere.
[00:05:29] It was almost necessary to focus or have everything kind of explode to be at home with each other all the time. In the mornings. I do try to spend some time thinking about what I need to do for the day and try to envision how my day will be, how I want it to go and how I need to show up for it to turn out that way.
[00:05:53] In the next 24 hours, I do have a lot going on recording this podcast. [00:06:00] I have my talk that I'm giving tomorrow for the gatherer winter celebration. And I need to prepare for that. And even though the live event will have passed by the time you listened to this, you can still get a VIP ticket to get the recordings are going to be a lot of great speakers.
[00:06:18] And then on top of that, my father-in-law is coming for an extended visit and he's arriving tomorrow. Since my office doubles as a guest bedroom, I need to move out and get it ready. Which I'm super happy to do. I've got a little cubby picked out for the next four or five weeks. It's a lot. And I've been procrastinating a little bit about getting it.
[00:06:43] And I'm sure that you can all start to imagine how emotions heightened when there's so much to deal. So I've been trying to go in with good intentions. I've been having to start over again and over again when I blow it, but I'm [00:07:00] still practicing and still trying over again. The first question that I'm asking myself today, again, from Brenae Brown's book is quote what boundaries need to be in place for me to be in my integrity and generous with my assumptions about the intentions where it's inaction.
[00:07:21] So. And quote. And like I said, I never really quite connected boundaries with looking at the good in others like this. When I think about that question, I think for this situation, I can say. I would like it. If you would ask me for input before you put artwork or photographs up on the wall. And I would hope that we would both be in agreement for that to happen.
[00:07:50] I should also do the same if I want to put something. As you can hear there have been some clashes with what we put where, but [00:08:00] if I decide that the ball is in my court for figuring out how to communicate and maintain that boundary, then it actually gives me more power in this situation or empowerment, I would say yes, it does require him to respect that boundary.
[00:08:19] But if I don't feel like he is. And then it's back to me to learn new skills so that I can help him respect my boundary. This actually reminds me that I do have somebody in my community that specializes in this, so I will have to have her on the podcast sometime soon. So we can go deeper into boundary setting.
[00:08:40] And obviously, if somebody is continually not respecting your boundaries, then you know, you need to look at that relationship. So the next part of assuming positive intent is that it relies on the core belief that people are doing the best [00:09:00] they can with what they've got versus that people are lazy disengaged.
[00:09:05] And maybe even trying to piss us off on purpose and quote. Just think how that changes things. The caveat to this is that yes, of course. We still expect that people will change and grow. But think about someone you're frustrated with, and this can even be yourself and think about how this does change. If you are thinking that the person is doing the best they can, and that they do have positive intent, it's more relaxing really for your nervous system.
[00:09:35] And it does generate better feelings. For example, when I walk out of this room, the very one that I still need to move out of for the next five weeks, I can decide, how am I going to see my husband when I come out? How can I respectfully hold my boundaries while also respecting his. I [00:10:00] know that he's doing the best he can.
[00:10:02] Can I lighten up a little if I don't like everything about what he's done after all, he's the one that's doing it right now. Not me. Can I grab onto the feeling of excitement and joy about seeing my father-in-law tomorrow after two and a half years of not seeing him after all? I really enjoy his company and he's one of my biggest supporters.
[00:10:27] And can I think my husband for all the cleaning and decluttering he's doing, can I go into the room and give him a big hug instead of going, ah, why are you putting that there? And finally, if, and when I do find myself in reaction mode, can I stop myself, take a deep breath and try again? All the while showing myself compassion for not doing it perfectly after all I'm doing the best I can to.
[00:10:57] Right. Because [00:11:00] sometimes it does come back to me. Maybe I'm the one that is feeling bad after all. I'm doing my part of this at the last minute. The basic idea is that if you can look at other people and consider whether it's at home or at work or at the grocery store, if you can hold in your heart, that they are doing the best they can, and maybe they're doing the best they can that day, because stuff's going on for them.
[00:11:29] You just never know. Then how will that change your reactions or your responses to people's. I hope this helps. I hope you can take some time to think and even journal about who in your life could you some more positive energy and credit from you and how you could show it to. That's it for today, have a terrific rest of the day.
[00:11:55] And I'll see you in here next week. And [00:12:00] please note that I've added some more dates for the Design Your Decade workshop in early January. I know everybody's getting busy in December and I hope to see you in one of them. I've also opened enrollment for this Success Habits Reboot my introductory four- week group coaching program.
[00:12:19] The link for more information for that is in the show notes. All right, bye. For now. Thank you for listening to the extraordinary life podcast with writer and coach Crystal Obregon. We'd love to connect with you outside of the podcast, too. To find more helpful insights, show notes and more about crystal.
[00:12:38] Go to Crystal Obregon.com that's O B R E G O N, where you will also find info for the Design Your Decade Workshop. This workshop will help you to stop drifting and start creating until next time. Be extraordinary.
