Episode #77
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Extraordinary Life Podcast from the creator of the Extraordinary Life Tribe, Crystal Obregon, the Self-Development Podcast propelling you forward toward your goals using science-backed high performance habits. Reach the next level in your physical and mental health. See new heights in your relationships.
[00:00:18] Gain clarity on your purpose and live your extraordinary life. Welcome your host, writer, speaker and coach, Crystal Obregon.
[00:00:29] Hi there. This is Crystal of Crystal Obregon Coaching with Episode Number 77 of the Extraordinary Life Podcast. Last week, I talked about the overall impact of mental clutter on your success in life.
[00:00:45] And this week I am specifically going to go more into how things that happened in your past can create mental clutter and why it's really important to let them go. [00:01:00] While our minds can become overwhelmed in the present when we have a lot going on, the past can bring even more overwhelm and mind clutter into the present as we deal with people and situations around us.
[00:01:14] We've probably all done things or had things happen in the past that we'd rather forget or that we regret. Life can oftentimes leave us with emotional scars or baggage, and it's up to us to heal the best we can. And there are many tools to do that. Healing and letting go of the past is important because if you don't let go, it often will dictate how you react to things in the future.
[00:01:44] For example, say you were hurt by a friend in the past and you feel like it left an emotional scar on you. Because of what happened, you may have a hard time trusting anyone now, or you might have formed a barrier around your heart. [00:02:00] This lack of ability to trust while you believe either on the conscious or a subconscious level that it protects you from getting hurt again, is limiting your ability to form positive relationships with the people around you.
[00:02:15] Now, you continuously go back to the situation and can't let go. This in turn, creates emotionally driven mental clutter that dictates how you live your life. That's why letting go of the past is so important and recognizing this fact is the first step when you're looking to let go of negativity from the past.
[00:02:39] In this way, you can start to think about being able to let go of the past as a positive thing for yourself To this end, thinking about some of the following aspects should help you deal with any issues about your past. Carrying around the weight of something in [00:03:00] the past that has hurt, you can be incredibly tiring emotionally.
[00:03:05] By forgiving these circumstances and letting go of the hurt caused by these situations, it allows you to really be able to strengthen your own psyche. Choosing to let go of a hurtful past situation doesn't mean that you have to mend the relationship with the person that hurt you. Instead, it's important to focus on letting go of your sadness, your anger, and your pain.
[00:03:32] This will help you become a better version of yourself without having to focus on the other person. It releases the resentment you might be holding onto. It also could bring you more understanding. Many people who cause others pain are also hurting themselves. And if you can recognize this fact and find it in your heart to be a bit more compassionate to others that hurt [00:04:00] you, it might end up being easier for you to let the past go.
[00:04:05] I'm going to share a personal story because it's been coming up for me lately. I haven't seen my birth father since I was about 12 years old. I chose not to have him in my life anymore because I didn't feel like he prioritized me in his life. He wasn't very present before my parents divorced when I was five or six.
[00:04:30] And then later when he had visitation rights, he often didn't show up when he was supposed to pick us up. Although I probably shouldn't have known it, I was aware that he wasn't paying his child support either. So on a surface level, I felt like because I had a stepdad that loved and took care of us in all ways that mattered, I didn't really feel that I lacked a father.
[00:04:58] But at the same time, I [00:05:00] haven't ever felt like I wanted to reunite with him. I still don't. So I didn't really feel like I was giving him much thought. But in the past year while I was working with a business coach, we uncovered that my experience with my dad could be impacting my business. There are often two issues hiding away in our subconscious mind that often do impact our decisions.
[00:05:26] One is that feeling of being unlovable. The other is being unworthy. They often are from when you didn't really have a filter for your subconscious mind, which is before the age of seven. So she thought that even though I have a service and it does positively impact many people, I may feel funny about selling it or accepting money for it, because deep down, I don't feel worthy of it.
[00:05:56] In this situation, recognizing that would be my first step in [00:06:00] moving past it, and the second step is to realize that carrying this around may be tiring and affecting more than just my business. It probably impacted my relationship with my husband as well because I was probably more likely to pick up on any glimpse that he might not be fully supporting me or my kids.
[00:06:22] So even though my husband's fully supporting me and my kids in so many ways, I might still take a little action here or there and make it bigger than what it really is. In that case, letting go of those emotions is really important and even potentially forgiving the situation with my father so that instead of resenting him, I could be grateful for my mom who was always loving and supportive, and also for my stepfather who didn't think twice about [00:07:00] stepping in and taking care of two more children in addition to his own daughter.
[00:07:06] So none of that means that I have to mend my relationship with my father, but I can let it go and even try to be understanding that while both my parents were 22 when they had me, he also was probably quite immature. And so I can be compassionate towards him and realize that he also hurt himself because he didn't get to have me or my brother in his life.
[00:07:38] The next part of letting go of the past is forgiving yourself, because when you hold onto the past, there's a chance that you also consciously or subconsciously, blame yourself for the circumstances that occurred. So similar to finding compassion for people that hurt you, it's also essential [00:08:00] to find compassion for yourself.
[00:08:02] Relationships are complex and it's entirely possible that you could be the victim, as well as having some responsibility in the matter. But I doubt if I'm alone in at least partially blaming myself for past mistakes or even traumas and having some regret about about those situations. The next aspect of letting go is really to stop playing the victim.
[00:08:32] When we've been hurt or wronged in the past, it was that person's decision. It was their choice. Similarly, if you choose to dwell on it, then that's your choice. To learn how to let go of the past, you have to recognize that if you're holding onto it, while you may have been a victim in the past, you are keeping yourself in victimhood in the [00:09:00] present and the future.
[00:09:02] Playing the victim allows the person who caused you pain to keep having control of you in some manner. But if you choose to refuse to play the victim of circumstances or anything else, it puts you in the driver's seat and gives you control over your life and your decisions. Once you've realized that you're in control of your life and are refocusing your mind on the present, that next step is to work on your self-esteem,
[00:09:32] if you finally want to let go of the past. When you dwell on an adverse event from the past, often enough, it's likely that your self-confidence has been negatively influenced. To counteract this byproduct of holding onto the past, one thing to do would be to repeat positive affirmations regularly. Doing this replaces a negative thought with positive and helps [00:10:00] train your mind to see yourself as worthy of success in life.
[00:10:05] The next thing to do is really more proactive, and that is to say what you feel, because saying what you feel helps to prevent negative thoughts from taking root now or in the future. When you bottle up your emotions, the problems from the past that are making you angry and upset won't simply disappear into thin air, but instead stay inside our brains, taking up valuable mental real estate.
[00:10:36] This results in creating scenarios in our heads because the displeasure with the person that caused us harm in the past was never expressed. And since we don't know what the outcome of this situation would've been, if we simply had stated our feelings in that moment, our mind can race with the 'what if' scenarios. [00:11:00] To get out of the habit of playing the 'what if' game,
[00:11:03] force yourself to become more open about exactly what you're feeling when you're feeling it. And not only will this help you relieve your mind of anxious thoughts, but will also allow you to be less resentful of those situations. Finally, if you want to let go of the past, you have to reorient your relationship with it rather than looking to the past and seeing the negative things that have led to your current situations,
[00:11:36] instead, look to the past and find the good things that have come from it as well. Remind yourself of the good times you've had in the past and everything that it has brought with it, and allow your mind to clear out those negative aspects. Letting go of the past is the only way that you'll be able to move forward and gain more [00:12:00] mental clarity. Holding on the wrong that has been done to us and the mistakes we've made in our own journey
[00:12:07] will only keep you from realizing your full potential in gaining the mental clarity you need to succeed. Next week I'm going to be talking about the power of positive thinking and the benefits to helping you get rid of mental clutter and create clarity instead. That's it for now. Have a great rest of your day and I will see you in here next week.
[00:12:34] Bye for now.
[00:12:37] Thank you for listening to the Extraordinary Live Podcast with writer and coach, Crystal Obregon. We'd love to connect with you outside of the podcast too. To find more helpful insights, show notes, and more about Crystal, go to Crystal Obregon.com, O B R E G O N, where you'll also find info for the Design Your Decade workshop.
[00:12:56] This workshop will help you to stop drifting and start [00:13:00] creating. Until next time, be extraordinary.
